Friday, August 17, 2007

"I Don't Wanna Eeeeeeat!"

This is a piece of what is known as (but seemingly forgotten in these politically correct times in which we live) SATIRE. It contains raw, adult language, so if you're overly-sensitive or easily offended, skip this one, and don't get pissy with me. I'm trying to make a point; see if you can figure it out.
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It seems almost every day that some doctor or other "expert" with a PhD comes up with a new disease, attaching a fancy name to it, usually ending with a "phobia," "syndrome," or just the plain old "disease." For example, having alternating diorreah and constipation is now called "Irritable Bowel Syndrome," which implies that one's bowels are angry at something. Why are they mad? What are they mad at, and how can we make them happier bowels? If you just don't like or disagree with something, well, you must be scared of it, right? So it's a phobia - "homophobia" which implies that one hates homo sapiens, more commonly known as humans; or "xenophobia" which implies one has a bone to pick with xenon, an inert, naturally occurring gas that tolerates and mixes well with everything, great for inviting to your next party. But there are two inter-related "diseases" that really get on my nerves: Bulemia and Anorexia, and I'm going to channel a bit of George Carlin here to make my point.

Bulemia. WTF? When there are millions of people in the world who are starving enough to be grateful for a grain of rice or are willing to dive in the rubbish bin behind the local Pizza Hut, here we have a group of people, known as bulemics, who will pay for and eat a perfectly good meal and then....puke it back up!!! I heard they have their own restaurant now. It's called the "Scarf and Barf." Whatever.

And then there's my favorite: Anorexia. "I don't wanna eeeeeat!" Ever notice how it's never people in the ghettos who "suffer" from this? In fact, many of those people are among the most overweight or obese people around. Yeah, it always seems to be upper middle class white women from Beverly Hills who "suffer" from "I don't wanna eeeeeeat." Rich cunt doesn't want to eat? Fuck her. Like I give a shit. Where do we come up with this crap?

A week or two ago I was watching a program on TV; it may have been 60 Minutes...I don't know. Anyway, there was this woman from New Zealand in her early 20's....skin and bones, looked like death having a bad day. I mean turn her sideways and stick out her tongue and it looks like a zipper skinny. Apparently she's been this way since she was 10 or 11 when some of the other kids made fun of her for being fat. We were shown pictures of her at that age, and she was a bit chunky - baby fat is what we used to call it - but certainly not what I would call fat (like so many of these rotund, obese kids I see these days who sit on their lazy asses playing X-Box, watching 15 hours of TV a day, and eating McDonald's 10 times a week.) Well, this apparently really stuck with the girl, and she's been a basket case ever since, eating nothing but tiny portions of mushrooms. Her parents have spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to fix her, sending her to shrink after shrink and even to a camp for anorexics in Malibu, California. She seems to get better for a while, but then it's back to, "I don't wanna eeeeeeeeat!" She said she just can't see any purpose to living and apparently wants to die. Bullshit. If she really wants to die, why drag it out for years and years, making her parents, who obviously love her and will do anything they can to help her - including re-mortgaging their house - spend their life savings? She is crying for attention, plain and simple. So I have a radical treatment for her and those like her. You sit her down and ask her, "Do you really want to die?" When she says, "Yes," hand her a loaded gun and say, "Go on, then. Kill yourself. End it now. Stop wasting everybody's time and money and just get on with it." I guarantee that will wake her ass up and snap her back into some semblance of reality. Or she'll shoot herself. Either way, problem solved. How did we get to this weak, namby-pamby bullshit state of existence where we indulge this kind of nonsense and take it seriously?

Look, kids can be cruel, no doubt. They make fun of another's teeth, looks, height, weight - you name it. But that is part of growing up. You have to learn to take it on the chin and not give a fuck what other people say about you. It's called toughening up, getting a thick skin. If those qualitites don't develop, you're fucked later in life. No matter how "nice" we try to make the world, the world is always going to be a rough place, and those that can't cope are fucked, doomed to dysfunctional behavior. We all have our bad days, but most of us manage to crawl out of bed, plaster on a fake smile, and plough through the shit one more time. So, to end on a happy note, I'll leave you with these words of encouragement that sum-up life as we know it:
And on a good day -
it's not every day -
We can part the sea.
And on a bad day -
it's not every day -
Glory beyond our reach.

words and music by Chris and Rich Robinson
from the song "Wiser Time" on the Black Crowes' album "Amorica"

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